In June last year, a few things converged to prompt me to decide to quite dieting. The interview with Megan Crabbe on Conversations From Our Days podcast, and her book. A sense of frustration and desperation. The fact that I was part way into a relationship with a “healthy eating system” and I just couldn’t stick to it (so a. was not losing weight and b. was getting hammered with some serious feelings of guilt and failure). Having been fat shamed by a medical professional who told me that a particular medication was not suitable for me as I was “a big girl”, that my weight was likely to prevent any future pregnancy, along with a number of other warnings around my health. The fact that I don’t really want my little boy to discover that dieting is a thing, or that food is something to worry about, until it is unavoidable (of course it will come one day, in this world, but I’m damned if it is something he learns from me!).
So. Here we are 9 or so months later. How am I doing? Well, it’s a journey.
- I have weighed myself maybe 5 times since June. A couple of times out of curiosity, but generally because I needed to know for various things (e.g. needing to know how much the little one weighed for his new car seat – but he wouldn’t stand on the scales alone).
- I have bought jeans that fit. They have a larger number on them than my old jeans, but they don’t hurt my tummy when I sit down.
- My sporadic weigh ins have shown that my weight has been stable within about half a stone, which from everything I can gather, is how it should be.
- I don’t love my body yet. I’m not sure I ever will. If I find myself losing some weight (which won’t be on purpose), yes, I will be glad.
- My relationship with food is improving. But it’s definitely a work in progress. I have moments where having eaten a “share” bag of something, or had both a milkshake and a McFlurry at McDonald’s I think something about how I’ll make up for it tomorrow. And then I generally shake myself out of it and move on.
- I am changing the way I eat for reasons not related to weight. Mainly the hope of building up my immune system so I don’t catch every little thing the little one brings home (seriously, since Christmas I’ve been healthy for a week, tops), and trying to decrease the amount of acid reflux I experience.
- I eat the food I enjoy, and am learning about foods that I actually don’t enjoy, but ate because they fit in with some healthy eating regime or another. Like nuts. I don’t really like them, unless they’re coated in chocolate. No, I’m not going to sit and eat unsalted almonds as a snack, because I don’t like them. If you like them, you can have my share! This is very much a work in progress too. I find I’ll buy something because “I like it” and interestingly, it sits in the fridge until it’s ready to walk out by itself. Which I take as a sign.
So, on the whole, I’m really pleased. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and nor will my relationship with food or dieting be fixed in a day. But I’m walking along this road, I’m getting help where I need it, and I am gentle with myself as I go.