This week I announced via Instagram stories that I was going to quit dieting. This was a scary thing to do. The world is generally in favour of dieting particularly if, like me, you have a BMI over 30.
Why have I made this decisions? Various reasons.
It’s been on my mind for a while. The eagle eyed among you may have noticed a post I did in March about embracing body positivity. Didn’t that mean I was quitting dieting then? Well, I want quite there yet. In fact, since that post I signed up for a diet. One of those ones that claims not to be a diet, but it does have changing your body as a goal, so draw your own conclusions. It didn’t work particularly well as, quite honestly, restriction massively messes with my head. So that’s one of my reasons, I was just starting to wonder if I’d ever enjoy food guilt free again and I felt so wildly unhappy. I was struggling on, though, feeling worse and worse as I failed to meet the requirements and saw absolutely no changes in my body.
The other big thing is my Small person. I want to model a good relationship with food for him, and I can’t do that and diet. Even if the diet is technically a secret from him.
And then something happened.
I was fat shamed by a medical professional. This had never happened to me before, which makes sense as I’m now the biggest I’ve ever been. I cried on my way home, at first unable to pinpoint either what had happened or why I was so upset. This medical professional had managed to pick at every fear and concern I had about my health, my life, my work even. I was left feeling hopeless, scared and above all angry.
A week or so later, I reached the point that culminated in the Instagram stories declaration that I would quit dieting. I thought using that medium would give me a bit of a sense of real time accountability. And it was rather scary and made me feel vulnerable because all kinds of people follow me on Instagram. Family, friends, colleagues. But I stand by the decision.
This other day I promised a blog post because I am encountering some resistance from the universe that I think is really interesting.
As I mentioned, I signed up for a diet, and having made this decision, and having had a conversation with them about how it was all making me feel, I was also told that my programme was not refundable but that I could hold my membership until I was in a better place or use just the parts of it that might be useful. But basically that I was committed to spending the money.
What to do? I’m not wild about just waving goodbye to the money, but in reality that’s what I’ll have to do unless, basically I’m going to carry on dieting. And that’s hard. I am a real hater of wasting money. So, my dilemma is this:
Which is the biggest waste of money? To spend money on nothing for the next few months? Or to continue with something that I have concluded is ultimately not in my best interests? And possibly play needlessly with my mental health? Of course I know the answer, and of course I’m going to end up waving that money goodbye.
But, I really do feel like this is the universe kind of testing my resolve.
Really? Are you sure? You’re pretty fat you know? Don’t you remember all the things that doctor said to you, I mean, you’ll probably explode of negative consequences if you don’t diet and lose weight! You won’t get anything in life that you want! You’ve already spent the money, why not just keep using the service until it expires? What harm can it do?
Well, mean little voice in my head, I am sure. And given how much happier I feel since making the decision, I think carrying on would do quite a lot of harm!